I left my humanity at home, warm and safe
With those who know and love me
Here, in pediatric neurology, I am a specimen
A child
Vulnerable in this insubstantial gown
Scrutinized under cold bright fluorescent lights on a cold exam table
On exhibit for voracious medical appetites
Residents come to observe this puzzling case
Follow the doctor’s orders
Let’s see you walk, Stand on one foot, Touch your nose, Tap your toes
They brush my face, hammer my knees, ankles, and elbows
My questioning eyes
Stern, puzzled looks in return
Doctors discuss, define, categorize, pathologize me
Atypical, aberrant, defective, deviant, unrepresentative, peculiar…
As if I am not present
As if I have no right, they no responsibility nor care
Their terrifying and confusing guesses and predictions
Hollow me out from the outside
Lips moving, spilling with their “truth”
As they unleash their ancient venerable destruction
The cruel blows land
My ears ring hollow, no sound enters
Reality bends
The lights morph
The walls tilt
A flash of warmth
My body wills itself to remain
My mind trips, shatters, scatters

This writer has chosen to remain anonymous. The writer shares that they work with students experiencing disability in higher education. The writer hopes to convey their experience of the inhumanity that is inherent in our medical system and how that can affect those who come into contact with it. The writer’s profound hope is that by sharing this piece, those working in the medical system who read it will be moved to infuse the system with humanity.