Dear Mark,

Today I saw your light glimmer so brightly it caught my eye, even all the way up here. That you still think of me, fight for me, and write about us, reminds me how truly special it is to live and be loved.

Five years have passed, and yet here we are: somehow still connected and wondering how the world can be so beautiful and, simultaneously, tragic. It’s really quite devastating––enough to break your heart open but never fully destroy it. (I think you already know that; but I need you to be sure of it.)

“Time is but our greatest teacher,” you told me. Strangely enough, it’s easier to see that from here (at the sidelines). I watch and listen intently, and wait for the day that you and my loved ones see what I can—and rediscover the beauty, love, joy, and peace I see you all desperately searching for in life. Because what I know ‘now’––that I didn’t know ‘then’–– is that it already resides within. I beg you to trust me––I now know this kind of truth. You see, that glimmer I saw was no star on the horizon; it was simply the light caught in your tears, as they fell onto a typed page about the story of me and you. 

Being remembered is truly unlike anything else I could describe. Though, I think it’s meant to be that way because it is only possible through our presence, first and foremost. Yes, merely existing and living everyday fully, so we accept the gift of being known in our ‘present.’

As (tragically) poetic as it may be, I can finally see what you always saw in me. The light in your eyes, and caught in your tears, offers me glimmers of who I was for others––and who I was to you. Thank you. I am humbled––and in awe of the beautiful person you recognized in me.

I wish you could see my tears now, which are cascading along a beaming smile. Heavily, full of fond memories, catching light as they roll; they glisten with love, hope, and joy—all the things I see possible in you, even from all the way up here. Even after all that’s happened. Even long after my death––I pray you still believe in living meaningfully. But, even more, I pray that someday soon you’ll rediscover––what you told me––that you also deserve to live beautifully.

In love & peace,

—N.
June 19, 2024